Wondering about Butterflies Today...?

I was noticing butterflies yesterday... it seems to me that God made flowers to bloom with grace and beauty where they are planted. They are rooted in the earth and have a specific locality in which they are to exist and be what He created them to be. Birds have flight and soar above us on the winds. They cause us to lift our eyes from the earth and our spirits to lift... so what about butterflies? They are flowers in flight... they don't soar but whirl and spin and dip and dive.... they alight on plants that aren't food... do they explore the veins of the oak leaf and trace its varied pathways? What are their thoughts as they wander the space between earth and sky? They seem to be content to be moving about dancing together in such inefficient patterns of flight... Butterflies make me stop and wonder about how I am made and what might there be to enjoy in my time between the earth and the sky....

Of Wounds, Cleansing and Relief

Today a dear friend's daughter went down the hill behind our house on her bike and ended up scraping her knee and elbow raw on the concrete sidewalk. Her mother carried her up to my home in her arms reassuring her through her cries and tears that she would be all right. I noted later how my help wasn't really help at all. I got ice and some bandaids but all I could think to offer was pain relief. I offered to run to the pharmacy to pick up some Bactene spray to ease her suffering and wondered if we had any liquid tylenol that wouldn't be past its expiration date. Her mother asked if she could put her in the tub. Her wounds needed bathed. I realized later that what she really needed was just what her mother was offering... not relief from pain but more pain at least for a little bit in order to cleanse her wounds so that they would have an opportunity to heal properly... nothing I was offering was going to provide her with what she needed most. I wondered at this later... why my thoughts and concerns were all about easing her pain. I am grateful her mother was focused on her care, her true need and not to relieve her pain... at least not until the necessary work was done... what a picture to me of God's love. How often I want the immediate relief of suffering and have no thought for the work that the pain must do to prepare me for what I most need....

Remembering the Purple Iris

Yesterday as I walked toward work under a dark sky, I looked ahead at the way I needed to go... I saw a staircase and sighed with weariness as I contemplated what I needed to walk towards and through in my day. The lowering clouds seemed to underline the weight I carried... I happened to be walking with a friend, a very dear friend, who noticed some deep purple irises planted by the way we were walking... she said, "Oh, I need to smell those!" her exuberance drew me along in its wake... I too smelled the iris and said "It smells like purple" because I had heard her say this of the smell of iris before. She smile and noted the ruffly edge of each petal and murmured "God is SO extravagant!" I smiled and as we parted I carried the memory of that iris with me... still had to walk up those stairs into the darkness of my day, nothing of the circumstances of what I had to carry would change... but I did carry the smell of purple with me as I walked....

God Alone Knows....

Well, I'm reading through Job now and it seems to me that there are 4 guys talking a lot about things they know nothing about... they appear to be trying to understand God and explain how we "ought" to live to make things "work"... it's pretty clear that they don't know what they are talking about... no clue as to what is really going on... I wonder what God wanted us to know about Him when He gave us this piece of writing... it seems clear to me that suffering is inexplicable in Job's story and somehow God shows us a man who continues to trust Him despite his personal suffering... and how that suffering is increased by his friends... wow... how do I do that? Where am I clueless as I talk to those in pain? What would be a better way to respond to their hurt?

Something like "I don't know why this is happening to you. I am so sorry." Perhaps that is it? I believe that God is good despite the circumstances, but is that helpful to hear when you are hurting?

Please lead me with Your Spirit and I walk through this day and come in contact with hurting people....

Whole Hearted

^{2 Chronicles 12:12} Because Rehoboam humbled himself, the LORD’s anger turned from him, and he was not totally destroyed. Indeed, there was some good in Judah... ¹⁴ He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the LORD.

I want to be about more than "some good"... what would it look like to "set my heart on seeking the LORD"?

Sunday morning we sang these words:

"He became sin

Who knew no sin

That we might become His Righteousness"

Words from the song "Jesus Messiah" by Chris Tomlin based, I suppose, on the passage in 2 Cor. 5:21:"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

I wonder how I might be the righteousness of God today?

A little before this in the same passage it says:

"For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." (emphasis mine)

What does it mean that "all died"... something to consider that those who have died are no longer under the law.... how might I live today freed from the law of sin and death?

Romans 7:1 "...the law has authority over someone only as long as that person lives... 4 So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God. ⁵ For when we were in the realm of the flesh, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in us, so that we bore fruit for death. ⁶But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code." (emphasis mine)

Also this morning, another line from a Chris Tomlin song, "Here I am to Worship":

"I'll never know how much it cost to see my sins upon that cross--" (emphasis mine)

I frequently substitute the word "sin" with the word "Friend"... as if the two words are engraved on the opposing sides of a flat oval disk which spins and flips over and over until they are a blur... no longer one or the other but one and the same thing, a new thing, a three dimensional shape that exists in and of itself... a mystery.

... we who serve God by the Spirit.... Phil. 3:3

Is that me... really?

Phil 3:8-11

"8 I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,...that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." (emphasis mine)

What does it mean that I "belong to another" and "serve in the new way of the Spirit" as I walk into my world today?

The Kingdom of Heaven

Matthew 13: ³⁷ He answered, “The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man. ³⁸ The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the people of the kingdom. The weeds are the people of the evil one, ³⁹ and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels."

I was looking for the kingdom of heaven this morning... I found this particular passage in my search. This is a good reminder to me today that I need not worry about the weeds... He has already taken care of that... He has appointed harvesters who have the job of sorting things out in His time... that isn't my job.
Allow me to rest in this today.

Process

I created this coil while I was listening to my friend Dawn talk during her workshop entitled: "Vocabularies of Sight and Touch, Sound and Movement, Texture and Taste: Embodying Our Words in Writing, Art, and Life".






The thing that fascinates me is that I was not "thinking" about what I was doing as I was shaping this form... at least not very much... I had initially selected a different colored (green) rectangular prism of modeling clay and suddenly remembered some beads I saw in my friend Merna's shop earlier that week when I was there with my daughter Zoe. The beads were green lady bugs... and I thought about making a lady bug (lady bugs hold a deep personal significance for me)... but I didn't want it to be green... so I returned the green bar and picked up a "red" one... because I thought I was going to make a lady bug.... As Dawn talked, I began squeezing the bar into a lump... I continued to squeeze it until I decided to punch a hole in the center and make a circle... I was trying to open the circle as far as I could without breaking the circuit I continued squeezing throughout the entire process... I didn't roll a "snake" as I would usually approach using clay like this.... The entire time my conscious mind was focused on my friend's thoughts... this was a new experience for me... to make unconsciously....






I'll insert this thought here... though I am not sure I was thinking it at the time, but prior to leaving I was talking with my daughter about going into this weekend with an open mind... there was something about openness/vulnerability that was a conscious/unconscious part of this weekend for me. I was surrounded by strangers and in an unfamiliar context and there was an ongoing sense of "listening to the Spirit's leading" as I journeyed into the weekend... I was also unsure how "open" I should/could be... but more about that in a moment....






It was important to me somehow to make the circuit as large, as open as I could... at some point the circuit kept breaking and I kept mending it and trying to make it larger and more open... I finally decided that it couldn't open any farther and began to compress the coil back onto itself... this made some interesting curves to the circuit... I kept compressing until the entire circuit could fit onto my hand... I closed the opening in the circuit by continuing to compress the coil until it was a flat shape with all the curves touching all of the other curves... no opening to speak of at the center... only the small spaces between the curved coils... as I looked at that flat shape it sort of resembled intestines to me...






I don't know at what point I recalled the ancients believed that our souls resided in our bowels... and at some point in history we began referring our "hearts", not sure what caused it to move... but the culture at large values our "brains"... all these thoughts have been rolling around inside me, but I don't know the exact chronology or sequence that they came... often we speak about moving from what we know in our heads into what we know in our hearts... somehow this circuit began to connect this disparate housing of our souls... there is a connection between brain and bowel... the life that flows through us is a continual circuit between these and encircles our hearts as well... if you think of blood flowing through this circuit... providing life energy to the entire being... there is truth embodied in this piece....






After looking at the flat shape, I decided to fold it over and enclose it into a sphere... I don't know exactly why, but later I recalled the rest of the conversation with my daughter... she had said to me (after I explained that I wanted to enter the weekend with an open mind) something to the effect of "Yes, momma, have an open mind, but not so open that your brain falls out."






I looked at this shape and then someone in the group called it a brain... it was then I thought of my daughter's words to me... I wondered many times about the twofold meaning (or perhaps more) of that sentence... I found myself entering a space physically that I never imagined I would go (my friend's talk was held in the LGBT center of the MSU campus - I didn't know what those letters stood for until I saw the sign above the door with the words spelled out Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender)... many of the folks I met that weekend identified themselves as Queer... what an interesting word....






I remember discussing boundaries with one of the participants... when reflecting on my daughter's comment it seemed that openness does have a boundary... but where to set that boundary? My friend Dawn said, "Just don't set the boundary too soon." That seems important somehow....






What is trusting in the Spirit's leading? Isn't it "not setting the boundary too soon"? Will I be able to walk openly, trusting that the Spirit will carry me? Can I remain open/vulnerable and allow the Spirit to set the boundaries for me? What does that look like for me today?

A Good Reminder to Me Today

Humble yourselves... endure suffering... receive grace

1 Peter 5: 9b: "...because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

We are not alone in this life... even if we don't know all those who are fellow sufferers... and it really is only for a little while... even if our perceptions of time while in the midst of our suffering seems interminable....

A Poem in Response to Embodying Our Words

I am here today

replete with all my fears

and limitations

a tangled mess of

longings

desire

knowledge and ignorance

I belong here_ today_

in this space

I am sure that I am the

beloved

I am unsure how to BE

the beloved

Here_ now_ in THIS

time/space

where I BE-long

I BE-long wherever

I am

fearful

uncertain

or sure

it does not matter

for though I am matter

I am also spirit

timeless...

boundless...

yet temporarily

confined

to this time

to this space

these physical limitations

are gift

Magic and Faithlessness and God's Pain

This morning as I was reading in 2 Kings and noticed that many of the kings were identified along with the names of their mothers... I found that interesting since women are rarely mentioned in the Bible... and it seems through this period of history there was an Ashera pole that was erected in Samaria (which seems to be the seat of power for the northern kingdom of Israel). I wonder if the influence of that practice affected the records of the kings' names in relationship to their mothers since Asherah was a goddess that was worshipped there at that time...?

I also noticed that after Elisha's death, there is a story of some people burying a man in haste because of the raiders in the land. They threw the body of the man in Elisha's tomb and when his body touched the bones of Elisha he "came to life and stood up on his feet"... I don't know what to make of this... Elisha was a powerful man of God and even after his death his bones could work miracles???

Throughout the reading today (2 Kings 13-15) and the passages prior, I noticed that none of the kings ever fully repented and turned back to God and destroyed the Ashera pole(s) and the golden calves where the people were worshipping... and it seems that the northern and southern kingdoms are fighting each other... and they are getting whittled away by foreign kings and kingdoms.... But God still honors His promises and doesn't fully wipe out the line of David... He also seems to take note of their suffering and provides them with relief (at least some relief) despite their faithlessness to Him....

How painful to see Him continue to be gracious to these people, I can't imagine the pain it caused/causes Him as people continue to choose other gods instead of Him... how do I do that? How do I choose myself/my comfort over Him? I long to offer Him my whole heart... not just what is easy to give....

"Random" Thoughts on Humility

Elijah is still calling down fire from heaven... consuming two companies of fifty men with their captains... the third captain fell on his knees before Elijah and begged that he respect his life and the life of his men... humility appears in the story again... and God spoke and told Elijah to go with them... their lives were spared.

My husband was reading Proverbs 11 this morning. He tells me that his father used to read Proverbs every day... since there are 31 chapters today is the day for the 11th... pretty good idea. In verse 2 it says: "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."

I watched a video this morning on the TED website of Stacey Kramer speaking of a gift she had received... her humility is moving.

How do I move into and through my day with this perspective? How do I embrace humility? How do I see my suffering as a gift from God and embrace whatever comes my way?

My Response to God Matters in the Story Line

Today I am noticing God's response to an evil man's humility... God had determined that Ahab was going to die and that He would wipe out his entire line... as He had done to two other kings that had been evil before him. It was surprising though, that when Ahab had heard this he humbled himself and went around "meekly":

1 Kings 21:27 "When Ahab heard these words, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and fasted. He lay in sackcloth and went around meekly."

Ahab had had a man killed because he wanted his land for a garden... he had already disobeyed God and let a man live whom God wanted put to death and then took a life for his own selfish ends....

God was still determined to carry out what He had decreed, but He delayed the worst of it until after Ahab's death... He would wait to send the full judgement on his son, who was next in line to be king, simply because Ahab had humbled himself.

It appears that though evil mars the glory of God, He will, in His timing, still accomplish His purposes... and He somehow allows our response to Him to affect the story He is trying to tell... when Ahab behaves in an evil way he isn't representing the heart of God... so God must act... but when he humbles himself God shows His mercy... reveals His heart in the story....

It amazes me that we can have an interaction with God despite how evil we are....

My head is full of questions... What does God want us to see about Himself here? How does humility/recognizing God as God and me in my proper perspective affect my day to day? Wouldn't repentance be better than simply being humbled?

It seems that in God's story, He allows room for me and my evil fallen ways... and my response to God DOES matter... how will I respond to what He sends to me today?

It's God's Story

1 Kings 20:28 The man of God came up and told the king of Israel, “This is what the LORD says: ‘Because the Arameans think the LORD is a god of the hills and not a god of the valleys, I will deliver this vast army into your hands, and you will know that I am the LORD.’”

It appears that sometimes God does things because He wants to correct what people think of Him (show who He really is)... not necessarily who the key players are or what they have done... He gives Ahab the victory, not because of who Ahab is (he is married to Jezebel who had set up worship of other gods in Israel and had "all" the prophets of God slaughtered... except for the two 50s hidden in caves and Elijah hiding in the ravine and with that widow....) but because of who God is... and what people believed about Him.

God is telling His story and He moves accordingly... it isn't about us... it's far greater than us and our understanding.

Earlier in 1 Kings 16:15 it says "In the twenty-seventh year of Asa king of Judah, Zimri reigned in Tirzah seven days." Why so short a reign?

If you read the surrounding story... God had decided to carry out judgement on the house of Baasha. He apparently chose Zimri to enact that... Here is some of the backstory: "12 So Zimri destroyed the whole family of Baasha, in accordance with the word of the LORD spoken against Baasha through the prophet Jehu—." He appeared to be doing what God wanted... but he ended up setting fire to the palace with himself still in it.

So he died and the passage tells us it is because of the sins that he had committed... God is using sinful people to do what He needs for the story to move forward.

I have trouble getting my simple mind around the complexity of these stories... I've lived with far simpler thinking "do what's right and God blesses" but these stories challenge my limited perspective... there is a greater backstory... I wonder how often the "key players" are unaware... like Job when Satan approaches God... the whole conversation that affects his life is "offstage" and the key player isn't in on it... At least I think of Job as the key player... and perhaps it's my limited understanding that is the problem... how often does God move to tell His story and I get in the way? How often do I hinder the story by not submitting to what I perceive as "unjust" treatment... I deserve better or "they are in the wrong"... instead of listening for the Spirit and remaining vulnerable.

How do I love in the midst of the story when it isn't about me or what I want?

The Nature of Evil

On Sunday we were discussing a quote from Jon Piper about the nature of evil. Here is an excerpt:

God did not just overcome evil at the cross. He made evil serve the overcoming of evil. He made evil commit suicide in doing its worst evil. Evil is anything and everything opposed to the fullest display of the glory of Christ. That's the meaning of evil.

I am to always reveal the glory of Christ... in its fullness... anything that I do that promotes myself interferes with His glory... anything and everything....

Just what does that mean?

How am I to live with an awareness of His Spirit of Love flowing through me... or might I be unaware at times, but still fighting the good fight of faith?

What does it mean to "fight the good fight of the faith" for me today?

The Gentle Whisper of Invisible Truth

Today I reread the story of Elijah running from Jezebel. I noticed that God showed up and fed him in order to strengthen him on his way... but when he gets to that place (40 miles away) God asks him "What are you doing here?" I find it interesting that Elijah begins to whine about his situation and God reveals something to him about Who He really is... despite the fact that he has run away in fear and is pretty self-absorbed... He shows him wind and earthquakes and fire... but He is in the gentle whisper.

God helps him by feeding him and then revealing Himself to Elijah... and what was it that God wanted him to know about Him?

He was in the gentle whisper.... He asks again "What are you doing here Elijah?" Elijah says his whiny thing again and God just tells him to go back to work... and also tells him that there are more people than he knows about who are for the Lord... seven thousand in fact.

I wonder in my fear, where it is that I run to? How my perspective (I am the ONLY one I whine) affects what I perceive as true and therefore my actions... I wonder what it means for me today to live by faith in that invisible Truth... that Gentle Whisper?

Of Miracles in Hearts and Gentle Whispers

Today I was reading the story of the flash and fire that Elijah called down from heaven in his dual against the prophets of Baal. One little line in that passage that I hadn't noticed before caught my attention today.

Elijah is ready to call down the fire from heaven to consume his thrice drenched offering and he says in his prayer: Answer me, LORD, answer me, so that these people will know that you, LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.

Which is the miracle here? It seems to me a far greater thing that God intervenes to change hearts than that there is a fancy display of power... it is amazing that He decides to act and illustrate His story this way... in the next chapter He reveals Himself to Elijah... not in the wind or earthquake or fire, but in the gentle whisper....

Help me, O Lord, to attend to that gentle whisper today.... Continue to turn my heart to the pathways that lead to Your Kingdom here on earth.

The Trust of a Starving Widow

I've been reading in 1 Kings 17 about the time when there was famine in the land and God was directing Elijah to go stay with a widow... what interests me in this story right now was... who was this widow that God would select her? What kind of person was she that He took notice of her to provide for her during this terrible time of suffering?

The passage says, "I have directed a widow to supply you with food." How did He do that? Was it something direct and audible or was it an inclination in her heart (a lifelong practice) to take care of others before herself? Did God know He could trust her to "do the right thing"?

The first thing she says to Elijah is that she has no bread only a little flour and oil that she is gathering sticks to make her last meal. I wonder what her attitude was? She didn't seem bitter... she actually follows Elijah's instructions and provides something for him to eat... how did she still have hope/faith that his words would come true? Did she really believe that she would be able to have endless flour and oil... did she think "Well, I have nothing to lose" or was there another thought... something else, something more grounded in trust?

Did she believe in her spirit, in her very being... that it was what she needed to do... to feed this weary traveler from the little she had... barely enough for a last meal for she and her son before they would die? Did this come from a lifetime of practicing to sacrifice for the sake of others? Did she trust in his promises? Believe that his words were from God for her? Did she hope this was His hand providing for her?

Was this the attitude of her heart that God entrusted her with the care of Elijah? Did He even need to speak to her directly or did He simply know that He could count on her to live vulnerably and pour out for others?

What kind of woman was this? Is it possible for me to live in such a way that God could entrust His plans and His people to me as well?

Friends and Enemies, Enemies and Friends

I was reading this morning in 2 Samuel a story about a woman whose grief was so great for her sons and nephews that she stayed beside their dead bodies day and night for months in order to chase the birds and wild animals away from them....

The back story is in 2 Sam. 21. There is a famine in the land for 3 years, David asks God what to do about it and He tells them it is "on account of Saul and his blood-stained house; it is because he put the Gibeonites to death." David then asks the Gibeonites what he would have them to do for them and they ask for 7 of Saul's descendants to be put to death and exposed on a hill. Rizpah is the mother of two of them. She spreads sackcloth on a rock "from the beginning of harvest until the rain poured down from heaven on the bodies, she did not let the birds touch them by day or the wild animals by night." When David hears about it, he gets the bones of Saul (the father of her children) and Jonathan as well as gathering up the bones of these 7 men and buries them for her.

The interplay of justice and mercy in this story is incredible. The extent of discomfort to which this woman would place herself for those she loved (and they were dead) is impressive. Sackcloth is pretty rough... I like my cotton sheets... on a rock... I like my soft bed... day and night... I like my sleep....

I also find David's compassion here very beautiful. He is the one who has ordered this be done, but he also is moved by her grief and responds by not only burying those she is tending, but going to recover the bones of her family so that they can all be "laid to rest."

All of this for Saul's family after David had suffered so much at the hand of Saul.

These extremes make an impression for me... I so rarely allow myself to feel discomfort for those who are living with me in the present moment....

I wonder at what I am being called to embrace here?

Accepting Curses from Others as from God

Today I was reading that David fled when Absalom took power and on his way out of town, Shimei curses him while throwing stones and dirt... David's men want to go after him and David stops them. He says: "If he is cursing because the LORD said to him, ‘Curse David,’ who can ask, ‘Why do you do this?’... Leave him alone; let him curse, for the LORD has told him to. ¹² It may be that the LORD will look upon my misery and restore to me his covenant blessing instead of his curse today.” (Emphasis mine)

Wow... how often do I look at those who are giving me a hard time and say... this might be from the Lord? What kind of perspective does one have of God that allows him or her to walk through life embracing whatever comes along... that allows a person to live at peace in the world?

I long to know more of Him, that I might embrace Him and His ordering of my life.

Amazing Love the Father has for His Son

I was reading 2 Samuel 13 - 15 this morning... I was struck by the contrasts between King David and his son Absalom. In this story, Absalom has a daughter, Tamar, who is raped by her brother... Absalom plots for two years in silence until he gets revenge and kills his brother Amnon. He then flees until the king's advisor, Joab gets the king to recall him. Absalom then works to "win the heart of the people" and eventually takes the kingdom from David, who flees the city. Throughout this whole story I am amazed at the heart of David towards his son and the son's continual plotting and taking for himself... I haven't yet reread the part about Absalom's death, but I remember how David mourned for him... what an incredible love this father had for his son... despite the wretched things that son did to his own brother and father... what a picture of amazing love.

Being Fully Alive

This morning during our pre-service discussion time we were sorting the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Money by using one word descriptors... one thought that came to me as I sat there was that the Kingdom of God requires me to be fully "Alive" to experience life... ALL of it... the grief, the suffering and the pain as well as joy... however, when I am operating in the Kingdom of Money I can anesthetize myself and feel much less of those things... the temptation to satisfy/comfort myself with things around me is far too great... the discipline required to "stay engaged in the moment" and feel whatever there is to be experienced at the time (ache or longing of any kind) is often more trouble than I perceive it to be worth... the hidden trade off is that when I numb any of the "negative emotions" I also cut off any feelings of deep joy that might be there to be experienced... I cannot pick and choose which emotions to feel and not feel when I am engaged in numbing or comforting myself.

I thought of the image of a heartbeat as displayed on a monitor... the sharp spike up and immediately downward followed by several smaller ups and downs... the idea that our lives should follow that pattern to be alive... it certainly shouldn't be a flatline... that's what happens when you die... being alive means I'll feel not a constant steady "hum" of emotion, but ups and downs, some of them intense most of them less so.... why do I spend so much of my time trying to control those spikes? Why can't I just "lean into it" and let it be whatever it is at any given moment? Why do I trade away all joy in order to not feel the disappointment and grief given to me each day? Why do I see vulnerability as my enemy?

Perhaps another word for the Kingdom of God column would be Vulnerability and the word for the Kingdom of Money would be...Numbness?