From the Top of the Smokies

Again time has continued its pace with or without me... I am sitting at a cafe table on the top floor of the personal-sized lodge (cabin seems not to capture the feeling of this place) looking out at the most gorgeous spread of undulating green imaginable. David is trying to capture images with his camera as I try to wrap some words around it. Raw knotty pine timbers frame a wall of glass from floor to peak that expose and include you in the landscape just beyond. We are at the top of a ridge of one of the slopes and looking out the side windows, the tree tops are marching up and up alongside us... the winding drive to our spot winds away at our feet wrapping back and forth between the folds of what looks like mounded green carpeting.

I wonder what God has to say about Himself in a location like this? All the green is soothing, yet there is a definite wildness in the continuous expanse. There is some development on the nearer slopes, lodges similar in style to our own, but most of what can been seen is covered with trees. The road by which we arrived is hidden and the first thing we noticed on arrival was how quiet it was. As we sat on the deck last evening we could hear distant cars, at least it seemed that way, perhaps the trees muffle the noises. The insect chorus at close of day was so intense it felt almost a tangible thing. As if you could lay down across it and it would support your weight.

I learned the other day from a painter friend of mine that there are some greens that are toxic. So much so that they can kill you. As I look at this rolling sea of green in front of me, I wonder just how deadly it might be. I have a new appreciation for the word "wild" or "wilderness". Our cabin is at the back of the development against the slope of the mountain ridge. I can see the depth in the shadows of the trees nearest us and can readily imagine a black bear walking directly out of them.

The slopes appear soft and fuzzy and the characteristic mist clings to the creases in the folds of the landscape. It is pretty apparent how this particular place earned its name.

The juxtaposition of opposites hear is notable. The hum of the hot tub and air conditioning units contrast the bird song.

Trying to craft words in such a restful place is too full of effort... I left this post as a draft until today. I still wonder what God might have to say about who He is even now that I am home and walking towards going back to work.

I wonder....

listen

I noticed the last post was March 8th.... MARCH! It is nearly three full months later and I cannot recall where the time has gone.... I'd like to be able to recall the words spoken in church this morning.... where did they go? 

Listen, listen, listen echoes in my mind... listening for the Holy Spirit. Each of us is an original... living with an ear to how we are to live out of our uniqueness.... turning from the life of "shoulds" and "oughts" and "have tos" and searching for His voice in the midst of where do I pour out my love today? Where do I give myself, my giftedness, my perspective, my words, time, energy, money, attention??? It's all His anyway. He created me. He gave me all that I have... it's not mine... not my time, my money, my energy to save or squander or spend on myself, my comforts.... I long to be more like Him.. to actually love others the way He does... to have His eyes towards the people He has placed around me.

The words the Tragic Gap (via Parker Palmer) also emerge from my memory... holding the tension between what IS and the POSSIBILITY of what might be in our hearts... I don't like tension usually and living with it constantly sounds even less appealing, but what is the alternative? It seems that the cost of not being willing to learn this is too high... way to high.

Contrasts

I love contrasts... I just returned from a walk by the lake. The sky was awesome! The clouds were slate grey with the bright yellow sun piercing through... there were patches of blue with the whitest clouds skidding across with incredible speed. There were actually waves with white breakers on our little lake which is usually so calm... The power of the wind was such that my youngest son felt like he could "lay on it"... there were towers of spray lifting from 5 to 7 feet way out on the center of the lake... we actually felt some spray on the shore... the wind is dying down now but the sky still has that incredible drama going on... brilliant sunlight poking through the rents in the darkest clouds... I love the beauty in that... the juxtaposition of opposites, darkness and light.... it stirs something within me. We had heard that there was a tornado warning so watching the action of the elements wasn't without some excitement/trepidation.... We found a ditch near the greenway in case we saw a funnel cloud actually form.... the force of the wind made walking into it a little challenging... it felt great to have such a physical force impressed upon you... I don't know what it is about the power in something invisible, like the wind that suggests mystery... we are always so amazed when we see the limbs or actual trees blown over after one of these windstorms... I wish we could have captured a few pictures of the sky and whitecaps to share... but I am grateful to have experienced it with David and two of my children. Hope you could experience some of the wonder of it as you read.

A Call to Consider

This morning I "discovered" that two persons of the Trinity are interceding to the Father for me... I ended my last blog with "pray for me" and now I discover that it has already been done by the Ones most qualified to do so... wow!

I also heard these words: What does it mean to "listen to the Spirit" as opposed to "seeking an experience with Christ"?

I'm not sure and long to consider the depth of this truth....

I wonder if the latter is more of my arrogant demanding of God (yet again) and a vastly different orientation towards my relationship with the Trinity. I was mulling this during the service (As the truth of these words sunk deeper into me) and we sang a line in a song that created a dissonance in my soul. It felt wrong... I marveled at how I could hear truth only moments before (something I hadn't considered as too terribly different or "off base") and then recognize the lie in the words we were singing. The song is entitled "Captivate Us" and I know it is a favorite of some of the members of our worship team. I felt prompted to raise this question to our group... "Should we perform this song?" It seems to me that there are so many ways in which lies permeate our lives... that we ought to carefully consider that which we "promote" when we are gathered together through our words... and our songs.... I struggled most of the day with how I was to offer these words... do I just email Tim and the elders... do I just send it out on email to the whole group? What does it mean to be a priest together with all of you?

The line in the song that struck me was "devastate us with Your presence falling down" which seems in line with the sentiment of asking for an experience with Christ (and that demand)... there were other words such as "draw us closer" which hit me as impossible/not in line with what is true if the words "Christ be in me" are the truth.... 

I think we need to consider what we are saying we believe and look at what is true and when these things don't line up we ought to at least acknowledge the truth of this... I do feel that language is limited and the expression of an individual at a place in the journey is valid, but as for me... I can't sing that song anymore... and wonder if we should take it out of our collection?

How Deep Does the Rabbit Hole Go?

Hmmm.... How do I frame this mornings "meanderings" in my mind... I feel like I should start with a confession... my family is a mess... my home is neglected... my relationships here are shallow and mostly empty of meaning... what have I done to contribute to this? Nothing... really, I mean that nothing... I come home from work and the subtle demand it that I've had a rough day... true but still no excuse for not being "present"... what am I "giving up" for Lent... that question bothers me a bit... it really isn't about what I need to give up so much as what I need to engage in... I guess I'd say I'm giving up my demand for a break and instead... looking for ways to engage. Many nights I find each of my family members "engaged" in one form of electronic media or another... sadly we have enough options at our house that all five of us can be doing something separately (TV, gaming, computers)... I think we are pretty good at having meals together, most nights... (so I can compare myself to others and feel proud of that) but I look around at our "family life" and I wonder at the depth of relationship that we might know... wonder what we're missing... I'm guilty of being "too tired" to ask that question... or other questions from each of them....

Pray for me.

False Sense of Community

I am wondering what television programs provide for us emotionally that we should be giving towards REAL people in our families and communities.... I just remember one evening about 13 years ago when I was pregnant with Joe, I was going to bed earlier than usual. When David came to bed he woke me up to tell me "Carol lost her job." I was immediately awake and concerned about this tragedy... and a bit disoriented from just waking up... I remember saying or feeling "Oh NO!" and then asked "Who is Carol?" He reminded me that she was a nurse on the program ER. I was an avid fan prior to my last trimester and had lost touch with the people in the show from retiring to bed so early. I remember  my shock at the intensity of the emotion that he displayed and that I initially felt when I discovered that someone we cared about had lost their job... only to remember that this person really didn't exist.... I remember feeling that something was terribly wrong here and I felt robbed, cheated by having David come to me for comfort of some kind for this false sense of grief. 

Recently we were discussing this idea of a false sense of community that we seem to have created for ourselves electronically... and I wonder what we are missing out on, what we are robbing from those to whom we should be giving our time, attention and concern by giving that energy to these other places...?

Pain and Suffering That Frees Us to Love

My thoughts today are about how God speaks to me in my day to day experience. He helps me see truth through the eyes of those He has placed near me. I had a very difficult day on Monday dealing with some angry parents. They were unkind (A gracious interpretation of the way they accused me and the words they launched as weapons) and I went home angry, frustrated and wondering if there was another job I could find... 

The next morning I fell on the ice. Twice. My immediate reaction was to get angry with David. It really wasn't his fault... and somewhere deep down I knew this so I kept silent in my anger. He (OF COURSE) noticed this and we talked about it. It was through this discussion that we speculated about the parents who were angry with me the day before. Could it be that they were in deep pain and felt anger that they needed to direct at someone nearby? God used this to soften my heart towards them. For this I am grateful even with my stiffness and bashed knee as I walk into today.

See Dana's Blog

Today... go read Dana's blog for Jan. 20th... wow!

http://familywilliamson.blogspot.com/

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart.

And try to love the questions themselves.

Do not see the answers that cannot be given you

Because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it,

Live along some distant day into the answer.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet, 1929

The Discipline of Choice

Usually not a word I like. I don't exercise often... when I do I find I like the feelings, the results I see... it is a good thing on many levels. I usually don't like the effort involved and so more often than not I avoid it....

I'm reading Henri Nouwen's Beloved and he is saying things like inner discipline, the discipline of relationships, the discipline of community. He is emphasizing choice. That I have a choice about how I spend my energy and what I believe to be true about myself... that I am the beloved. He calls the spiritual battle of choosing to be the beloved (against all around us that denies this) the big, big battle we are engaged in. 

I am wondering about how I spend my time/energy and if it is fueling me for the battle of choice or robbing me of the truth that I am beloved...?

Expectantly Waiting vs. Expectations

Galatians 5 (The Message)

(6ish) Meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love*.

I'm wondering what that looks like...a satisfying relationship with the Spirit?

16-18 My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit.

I'm curious about this too? I long for this to be true about me.

 22-23 But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives...—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people...able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.

I'd like to do that....

25-26 Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.

Curious how to do this as well? Or is it about waiting for His Spirit to do it within me?

*I'm wondering if this is the key somehow... trusting God's Spirit to do the work within me... and while waiting to do what I know to do... live a life of love as best I know how... but continually looking to Him to do the work internally, being surprised at the changes I find along the way...?

More About Expectations

Maybe Insanity is Having Expectations

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within. 

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be confident knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Interpreting What Others Say

From the Sublime to the Ridiculous

My husband makes these little clay people. They are very expressive at times. Most of them are curled up in what we see as an "attitude of prayer". It is amazing how he has been able to capture different emotions in some of these little guys. Recently, a man in our church asked David to choose a person to give to his father in memory of the loss of his mother. He said he wanted David's help because he believed that God had called him to this, given him a gift, and he was going to  "hold him to it" (or some sentence like that). I agree. David has a unique ability... he even shared how he went down into the basement to look for the "right" person and how he "just knew" which one when he saw it. I believe this is the Holy Spirit in the life of my husband. I know He has made David uniquely and this is one of the ways God uses him in this world. These times are when I believe heaven and the eternal "breaks through" and touches this earth and our experience here. However, there are times that his "ability" to see things borders on the "ridiculous". Over Christmas break David was making waffles. At the end when there was less batter a "drip" landed on the waffle maker and what resulted was a tiny malformed cross. We laughed and said it "was a sign". I think it is helpful to be able to laugh and not take yourself to seriously... but that little cross is still in the kitchen window... I wonder if there is no difference from God's view... the ridiculous and the sublime... only we get caught up in labeling experiences... rating them... makes me think of the biblical David's dancing in the streets "lightly clad".... his wife labelled that experience incorrectly. I am just wondering what He sees when he looks at my husband's saving a small malformed cross made of waffle batter? What does my husband's spirit look like to the eyes of my God? I think it must be beautiful in a way that can't be described by mere words.

Joe's Contribution

I like cheese, it is yummy.

Questions

What does it mean to follow the Spirit's leading each day? Does it mean I may not sense anything specific at a given time? Is it "OK" to be where I am at any given time without a concentrated effort at focused attention toward God? Is He still moving in me if I am not aware? What does it look like to enter into His life?

More questions than anything else today....