Amazing Love the Father has for His Son

I was reading 2 Samuel 13 - 15 this morning... I was struck by the contrasts between King David and his son Absalom. In this story, Absalom has a daughter, Tamar, who is raped by her brother... Absalom plots for two years in silence until he gets revenge and kills his brother Amnon. He then flees until the king's advisor, Joab gets the king to recall him. Absalom then works to "win the heart of the people" and eventually takes the kingdom from David, who flees the city. Throughout this whole story I am amazed at the heart of David towards his son and the son's continual plotting and taking for himself... I haven't yet reread the part about Absalom's death, but I remember how David mourned for him... what an incredible love this father had for his son... despite the wretched things that son did to his own brother and father... what a picture of amazing love.

Being Fully Alive

This morning during our pre-service discussion time we were sorting the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Money by using one word descriptors... one thought that came to me as I sat there was that the Kingdom of God requires me to be fully "Alive" to experience life... ALL of it... the grief, the suffering and the pain as well as joy... however, when I am operating in the Kingdom of Money I can anesthetize myself and feel much less of those things... the temptation to satisfy/comfort myself with things around me is far too great... the discipline required to "stay engaged in the moment" and feel whatever there is to be experienced at the time (ache or longing of any kind) is often more trouble than I perceive it to be worth... the hidden trade off is that when I numb any of the "negative emotions" I also cut off any feelings of deep joy that might be there to be experienced... I cannot pick and choose which emotions to feel and not feel when I am engaged in numbing or comforting myself.

I thought of the image of a heartbeat as displayed on a monitor... the sharp spike up and immediately downward followed by several smaller ups and downs... the idea that our lives should follow that pattern to be alive... it certainly shouldn't be a flatline... that's what happens when you die... being alive means I'll feel not a constant steady "hum" of emotion, but ups and downs, some of them intense most of them less so.... why do I spend so much of my time trying to control those spikes? Why can't I just "lean into it" and let it be whatever it is at any given moment? Why do I trade away all joy in order to not feel the disappointment and grief given to me each day? Why do I see vulnerability as my enemy?

Perhaps another word for the Kingdom of God column would be Vulnerability and the word for the Kingdom of Money would be...Numbness?

Interconnectedness?

I am very confused... I read the passage in 2 Sam. 22 where God gets angry at Israel and "incited David against them"... so David takes a census, which is apparently a bad thing because he became conscience-stricken and says to God "I have sinned greatly in what I have done. Now, LORD, I beg you, take away the guilt of your servant. I have done a very foolish thing." So God gives him three options and he chooses to "fall into the hands of the LORD, for His mercy is great; but do not let me fall into human hands" so it sounds like either famine or plague and God allows the plague (because it is shorter in duration I wonder?)... so God lets the plague ravage everyone until it reaches Jerusalem and then stops it... and David is offering the sacrifice and the LORD answers his prayer on behalf of the land... but the timing is weird... God stops the angel before we hear about David offering the sacrifice... this "dance" between God's feelings, David's responses and the decisions about what will come "next" seems confusing to me... God was angry, He incites David, David reacts, he repents, God offers choices of consequences, David offers the decision back to God, God acts and then limits the destruction, David offers sacrifice and prayer and God answers his prayer... back and forth between the two of them... cause and effect? It doesn't seem like it.. at least not like I usually think about causality... but there is definitely an interaction between these two... some kind of interconnectedness with God's heart and David's actions, choices, submission to His story... I wonder....

Bearing the Burden of the Consequences of My Choices

Today I am reading in 1st Samuel that Saul is angry that the priests have helped David so he orders one of his men to strike them down. Some of them refused but Doeg the Edomite followed orders and killed all of the priests of God for helping David... also killing everyone in the town of Nob... infants were included....

One man was able to escape and fled to David... and what does David say? "I am responsible for the deaths of your family." He knew that Doeg would go to Saul and tell on the priests and so he claims responsibility for the slaughter... unbelievable....

How does one see the hand of God and trust Him in such a way as to accept the burden of one's choices with all of the consequences?

Am I willing to bear the pain of others that my own choices cause?

Wondering about THE Story line....

This week I've been reading through 1st Samuel and can't help but wonder about some things... God clearly wanted to rule over His people, but they begged for a king... how that must have hurt Him to be rejected by them, but He provided a king for them anyway... it goes on later to say He regretted making Saul king over Israel... I wonder how that works... God who doesn't change His mind does seem to have regrets....

Seems like He keeps giving despite His own personal pain.

I'm in the part of the story now where Saul is being tormented by an evil spirit sent by God... and David has been given the Spirit of God... and watching the story unfold with these dynamics is puzzling... the most I can seem to glean at this point is that God is telling a story and He has something to reveal about who He is (despite our responses to Him) and so He orchestrates things with fallen people to achieve His purposes....

Makes me wonder what He is up to... what is it He is trying to say about Himself and what is my role in His ongoing tale?

I wonder how I might live to bring Him less pain... or better yet some joy?

Celebration and Pain

What is it about a party that provokes the extremes? How is it possible to feel both joy and pain in the same moment in time?

We had our 25th anniversary celebration at church last evening and it was wonderful to see faces of friends that brought back such memories... but I was also really missing Trenton. It was so hard not to have him with us... in part because he didn't have a ride home from college and there wasn't time for us to pick him up before the party started... he wanted to be there... but partly we felt we needed to choose to let him find his own way home this time... God had asked me to do a really hard thing by not solving the problem for him.

We'll be going to get him in a few hours and he will be with us for Harvest Sunday, but I am so sad he missed out on the party... I don't like this new way of being a family. It hurts.

I do believe; however, that it is what I am called to do at this point... to continue to love from this distance and suffer the ache of being lonely for him... there is no easy way to walk through the separation and the growing apart. It's hard. Even harder to choose to not offer relief to his situation of finding a ride home to be with family and friends.

And to think this is only the beginning.... there are more goodbyes to come.

Reflecting on our past and our journey together as a group of people has been provoking... it stirs all kinds of grief and gladness... and possibly stirs some hope that this is not the way it will always be... I can't imagine being free to celebrate without ache....

I am grateful for the small comforts He sends to me in the midst of my struggle... yesterday it was a ladybug... a symbol to me personally about how much God loves me and is pleased with me... I wept... how kind of Him to remember me in that way.

Being faithful to do the hard work of listening for His Spirit's leading and choosing the path that is difficult... and one that I really don't understand (it often doesn't make sense to me...) but choosing to obey where I feel led as an act of trust in His timing and His purposes.... then to be offered the small gift that reminds me that He is with me and has suffered pain and loss of His own Son... all for love's sake.... what a gift!

Forgiveness

How blind I am to my own need for forgiveness... my inability to do anything but ask God for His intervention in my need... I recognize that I need to "forgive others as God has forgiven you" and fear that I have NOT and I do NOT... I long for that to change in me... one time that happened... I discovered compassion for someone I was struggling to forgive (I say that rather than "holding a grudge" because it was an unwilling thing that I did not want to NOT forgive, but didn't know how to "let it go" so to speak...) recently I found my heart overwhelmed with someone's story... they had hurt me deeply about a year ago and I knew I needed to forgive them (whether they ever were aware of their wrong or not... and boy did I want them to KNOW... and PAY for their wrong towards me...) but knew that wasn't what God wanted... so every time I ran into this person or prayed the Lord's prayer I asked God for help... forgive me as I forgive others has always been too hard for me to pray... so I changed it... really I did... it is hard for me to just mouth words (or listen to music that doesn't resonate as true for me in the moment... feels like a lie... so I can't or won't pretend... for what it's worth... it's how I choose to cope with this in me... could be arrogance or integrity... I'm not sure...) the words I usually pray is Lord forgive me and help me to forgive others like you forgive... cause truthfully I can't... I cannot even be aware of my need for forgiveness... (which is supposed to help me forgive others) I know in my head there is an arrogance about that, but am helpless to change it... but I can tell the truth about it... and ask Him for help with it... so imagine my surprise when I discovered the compassion in my heart for my "enemy"... wow, what happened? All I know for sure is that there was a complete change (after over a year of praying like this) and all I can do is attribute it to Him... His timing and His purposes... all I offered was my need... really that's all I have... all I can do about it... tell the truth and wait on Him to show up/move and change me... it happens!