Wondering about THE Story line....

This week I've been reading through 1st Samuel and can't help but wonder about some things... God clearly wanted to rule over His people, but they begged for a king... how that must have hurt Him to be rejected by them, but He provided a king for them anyway... it goes on later to say He regretted making Saul king over Israel... I wonder how that works... God who doesn't change His mind does seem to have regrets....

Seems like He keeps giving despite His own personal pain.

I'm in the part of the story now where Saul is being tormented by an evil spirit sent by God... and David has been given the Spirit of God... and watching the story unfold with these dynamics is puzzling... the most I can seem to glean at this point is that God is telling a story and He has something to reveal about who He is (despite our responses to Him) and so He orchestrates things with fallen people to achieve His purposes....

Makes me wonder what He is up to... what is it He is trying to say about Himself and what is my role in His ongoing tale?

I wonder how I might live to bring Him less pain... or better yet some joy?

Celebration and Pain

What is it about a party that provokes the extremes? How is it possible to feel both joy and pain in the same moment in time?

We had our 25th anniversary celebration at church last evening and it was wonderful to see faces of friends that brought back such memories... but I was also really missing Trenton. It was so hard not to have him with us... in part because he didn't have a ride home from college and there wasn't time for us to pick him up before the party started... he wanted to be there... but partly we felt we needed to choose to let him find his own way home this time... God had asked me to do a really hard thing by not solving the problem for him.

We'll be going to get him in a few hours and he will be with us for Harvest Sunday, but I am so sad he missed out on the party... I don't like this new way of being a family. It hurts.

I do believe; however, that it is what I am called to do at this point... to continue to love from this distance and suffer the ache of being lonely for him... there is no easy way to walk through the separation and the growing apart. It's hard. Even harder to choose to not offer relief to his situation of finding a ride home to be with family and friends.

And to think this is only the beginning.... there are more goodbyes to come.

Reflecting on our past and our journey together as a group of people has been provoking... it stirs all kinds of grief and gladness... and possibly stirs some hope that this is not the way it will always be... I can't imagine being free to celebrate without ache....

I am grateful for the small comforts He sends to me in the midst of my struggle... yesterday it was a ladybug... a symbol to me personally about how much God loves me and is pleased with me... I wept... how kind of Him to remember me in that way.

Being faithful to do the hard work of listening for His Spirit's leading and choosing the path that is difficult... and one that I really don't understand (it often doesn't make sense to me...) but choosing to obey where I feel led as an act of trust in His timing and His purposes.... then to be offered the small gift that reminds me that He is with me and has suffered pain and loss of His own Son... all for love's sake.... what a gift!

Forgiveness

How blind I am to my own need for forgiveness... my inability to do anything but ask God for His intervention in my need... I recognize that I need to "forgive others as God has forgiven you" and fear that I have NOT and I do NOT... I long for that to change in me... one time that happened... I discovered compassion for someone I was struggling to forgive (I say that rather than "holding a grudge" because it was an unwilling thing that I did not want to NOT forgive, but didn't know how to "let it go" so to speak...) recently I found my heart overwhelmed with someone's story... they had hurt me deeply about a year ago and I knew I needed to forgive them (whether they ever were aware of their wrong or not... and boy did I want them to KNOW... and PAY for their wrong towards me...) but knew that wasn't what God wanted... so every time I ran into this person or prayed the Lord's prayer I asked God for help... forgive me as I forgive others has always been too hard for me to pray... so I changed it... really I did... it is hard for me to just mouth words (or listen to music that doesn't resonate as true for me in the moment... feels like a lie... so I can't or won't pretend... for what it's worth... it's how I choose to cope with this in me... could be arrogance or integrity... I'm not sure...) the words I usually pray is Lord forgive me and help me to forgive others like you forgive... cause truthfully I can't... I cannot even be aware of my need for forgiveness... (which is supposed to help me forgive others) I know in my head there is an arrogance about that, but am helpless to change it... but I can tell the truth about it... and ask Him for help with it... so imagine my surprise when I discovered the compassion in my heart for my "enemy"... wow, what happened? All I know for sure is that there was a complete change (after over a year of praying like this) and all I can do is attribute it to Him... His timing and His purposes... all I offered was my need... really that's all I have... all I can do about it... tell the truth and wait on Him to show up/move and change me... it happens!

My Story of Now

Right now I'm struggling with escapism... in so many different ways I am trying to get out of or avoid the NOW.... David's dad died at the end of April, my son leaves for college next Sun... I have not been living well between these two realities... there are so many distractions to choose from (even legitimate pursuits)... I don't even know how to change this or move out of it... except to tell the truth and ask God for help... I desperately need His help.

Sometimes It Takes Death

Sometimes it takes death to reveal what it means to live.

More thoughts on why I haven't been writing on here...

Okay, I've reread that last post and it seems a bit harsh to me today... perhaps I am reacting to something.... it seems that for me to write, I need to take time to reflect... it could be that I am not taking time to reflect.... life seems to be incredibly demanding of late... how much of that is my own fault for not setting better boundaries? how much of it is the season of life I find myself in?

What would God want me to know about Him in the midst of this....

This question seems the only one worth actually spending time to ponder.

OKAY Dawn, this one's for you....

Hahahaha!

Okay already... here is a NEW post, just for you my friend!

I don't know why I cannot seem to find anything to say on this blog. I have no idea if this is a serious case of Writer's block or something more... such as an sneaking suspicion that spending time journalling my thoughts publicly MAY be a self-serving absorbing use of my time and energy....

I have NO idea if it is what I should be doing or not... there seems to be so little of that (time/energy) to go around and writing (especially on here in a public venue) seems to be some kind of self-serving use of what little I have to offer others... I have NO idea if any of these inklings are true or just more morbid introspection... so I do nothing....

From time to time I ask God if there is anything that He'd like for me to say on here... and usually I hear nothing... and I take that to mean His answer is "No, not really".

So I have come to an uneasy "peace" with the uncertainty of writing in general and writing on here specifically... I occasionally think of this place (usually when I notice my signature in gmail and feel a pang of guilt for not having actually offered anything here lately...) on those few occasions I briefly ask God if there is anything He'd like for me to say... and usually nothing specific comes to mind... so, I do nothing and hope that I am listening to what I THINK I hear Him asking me to do....

Or perhaps I am just not wanting to do the hard work of writing... it is possible that I am avoiding the "labor of love" that I am called to work out for the sake of others.... I just don't really know....

How's that for a new post?