My Story of Now

Right now I'm struggling with escapism... in so many different ways I am trying to get out of or avoid the NOW.... David's dad died at the end of April, my son leaves for college next Sun... I have not been living well between these two realities... there are so many distractions to choose from (even legitimate pursuits)... I don't even know how to change this or move out of it... except to tell the truth and ask God for help... I desperately need His help.

Sometimes It Takes Death

Sometimes it takes death to reveal what it means to live.

More thoughts on why I haven't been writing on here...

Okay, I've reread that last post and it seems a bit harsh to me today... perhaps I am reacting to something.... it seems that for me to write, I need to take time to reflect... it could be that I am not taking time to reflect.... life seems to be incredibly demanding of late... how much of that is my own fault for not setting better boundaries? how much of it is the season of life I find myself in?

What would God want me to know about Him in the midst of this....

This question seems the only one worth actually spending time to ponder.

OKAY Dawn, this one's for you....

Hahahaha!

Okay already... here is a NEW post, just for you my friend!

I don't know why I cannot seem to find anything to say on this blog. I have no idea if this is a serious case of Writer's block or something more... such as an sneaking suspicion that spending time journalling my thoughts publicly MAY be a self-serving absorbing use of my time and energy....

I have NO idea if it is what I should be doing or not... there seems to be so little of that (time/energy) to go around and writing (especially on here in a public venue) seems to be some kind of self-serving use of what little I have to offer others... I have NO idea if any of these inklings are true or just more morbid introspection... so I do nothing....

From time to time I ask God if there is anything that He'd like for me to say on here... and usually I hear nothing... and I take that to mean His answer is "No, not really".

So I have come to an uneasy "peace" with the uncertainty of writing in general and writing on here specifically... I occasionally think of this place (usually when I notice my signature in gmail and feel a pang of guilt for not having actually offered anything here lately...) on those few occasions I briefly ask God if there is anything He'd like for me to say... and usually nothing specific comes to mind... so, I do nothing and hope that I am listening to what I THINK I hear Him asking me to do....

Or perhaps I am just not wanting to do the hard work of writing... it is possible that I am avoiding the "labor of love" that I am called to work out for the sake of others.... I just don't really know....

How's that for a new post?

From the Top of the Smokies

Again time has continued its pace with or without me... I am sitting at a cafe table on the top floor of the personal-sized lodge (cabin seems not to capture the feeling of this place) looking out at the most gorgeous spread of undulating green imaginable. David is trying to capture images with his camera as I try to wrap some words around it. Raw knotty pine timbers frame a wall of glass from floor to peak that expose and include you in the landscape just beyond. We are at the top of a ridge of one of the slopes and looking out the side windows, the tree tops are marching up and up alongside us... the winding drive to our spot winds away at our feet wrapping back and forth between the folds of what looks like mounded green carpeting.

I wonder what God has to say about Himself in a location like this? All the green is soothing, yet there is a definite wildness in the continuous expanse. There is some development on the nearer slopes, lodges similar in style to our own, but most of what can been seen is covered with trees. The road by which we arrived is hidden and the first thing we noticed on arrival was how quiet it was. As we sat on the deck last evening we could hear distant cars, at least it seemed that way, perhaps the trees muffle the noises. The insect chorus at close of day was so intense it felt almost a tangible thing. As if you could lay down across it and it would support your weight.

I learned the other day from a painter friend of mine that there are some greens that are toxic. So much so that they can kill you. As I look at this rolling sea of green in front of me, I wonder just how deadly it might be. I have a new appreciation for the word "wild" or "wilderness". Our cabin is at the back of the development against the slope of the mountain ridge. I can see the depth in the shadows of the trees nearest us and can readily imagine a black bear walking directly out of them.

The slopes appear soft and fuzzy and the characteristic mist clings to the creases in the folds of the landscape. It is pretty apparent how this particular place earned its name.

The juxtaposition of opposites hear is notable. The hum of the hot tub and air conditioning units contrast the bird song.

Trying to craft words in such a restful place is too full of effort... I left this post as a draft until today. I still wonder what God might have to say about who He is even now that I am home and walking towards going back to work.

I wonder....

listen

I noticed the last post was March 8th.... MARCH! It is nearly three full months later and I cannot recall where the time has gone.... I'd like to be able to recall the words spoken in church this morning.... where did they go? 

Listen, listen, listen echoes in my mind... listening for the Holy Spirit. Each of us is an original... living with an ear to how we are to live out of our uniqueness.... turning from the life of "shoulds" and "oughts" and "have tos" and searching for His voice in the midst of where do I pour out my love today? Where do I give myself, my giftedness, my perspective, my words, time, energy, money, attention??? It's all His anyway. He created me. He gave me all that I have... it's not mine... not my time, my money, my energy to save or squander or spend on myself, my comforts.... I long to be more like Him.. to actually love others the way He does... to have His eyes towards the people He has placed around me.

The words the Tragic Gap (via Parker Palmer) also emerge from my memory... holding the tension between what IS and the POSSIBILITY of what might be in our hearts... I don't like tension usually and living with it constantly sounds even less appealing, but what is the alternative? It seems that the cost of not being willing to learn this is too high... way to high.

Contrasts

I love contrasts... I just returned from a walk by the lake. The sky was awesome! The clouds were slate grey with the bright yellow sun piercing through... there were patches of blue with the whitest clouds skidding across with incredible speed. There were actually waves with white breakers on our little lake which is usually so calm... The power of the wind was such that my youngest son felt like he could "lay on it"... there were towers of spray lifting from 5 to 7 feet way out on the center of the lake... we actually felt some spray on the shore... the wind is dying down now but the sky still has that incredible drama going on... brilliant sunlight poking through the rents in the darkest clouds... I love the beauty in that... the juxtaposition of opposites, darkness and light.... it stirs something within me. We had heard that there was a tornado warning so watching the action of the elements wasn't without some excitement/trepidation.... We found a ditch near the greenway in case we saw a funnel cloud actually form.... the force of the wind made walking into it a little challenging... it felt great to have such a physical force impressed upon you... I don't know what it is about the power in something invisible, like the wind that suggests mystery... we are always so amazed when we see the limbs or actual trees blown over after one of these windstorms... I wish we could have captured a few pictures of the sky and whitecaps to share... but I am grateful to have experienced it with David and two of my children. Hope you could experience some of the wonder of it as you read.