Transporter Sickness

I am a science fiction lover and also not a very patient person. For many years I have been waiting for and wanting the technology I witnessed in Star Trek to become a reality. Particularly the "beaming" from place to place appealed to me a a child on long car rides. I just wanted to be instantly transported from where I was to where I wanted to be…no wait time…no spaces in between. 

I was thinking about this in my drive to work yesterday morning. How impatient I can become and rush around from place to place. What have I missed in my haste? How many things have sped by my notice? What has my frustration gotten me except upset? I long to slow down and see where I am…to enter into the moment. I wonder how I might honor the gift of time and space that God has created and offered to me in this journey we call life?

Thoughts on The Lord's Prayer

I have been praying this before I get out of bed in the mornings on most days. It seems that I need this moment to refocus before I can move and face the day.

Here are my thoughts on and my favorite way to pray the Lord's Prayer:

Our father which are in heaven
Recently we were challenged with the question, "Where is heaven?" As a younger child I used to think of it "way out there somewhere high above us…unreachable, unattainable, far away, distant." Now I think of it in more science-fictiony terms as permeating or THROUGH us. Almost like the idea of an invisible fourth dimension that exists in the same space as us, but not the same time…a timeless reality that is alongside, but not immediately perceptible by us. So I try to acknowledge his "WITH US-NESS" and focus on his immediacy and the intimacy of his FATHER-NESS…and wrap myself up in a hug, being held by him. "Daddy hold me."

Hallowed be thy name 
Hallowed or holy means "OTHER" not like us…actually love unlike we've ever known. God is love.  I like to say it to him "you are love, not like any other love we've ever known or will ever know, true love, sacrificial, "for" us, more than we could ever ask or imagine love to be…YOU are love."

I also insert a piece of St. Patrick's prayer in here as well to remind me of my need for his presence in my life.

"I bind myself today to the Trinity."

 This is my way of promising or renewing my vows to commit myself to him.

Your kingdom come
This part I see as an invitation for him to "invade" me, fill me with his spirit, permeate my being with himself, his love.

Your will be done 
On earth as it is in heaven 
This is where I ask him to "flow through me into the day and the people I meet." That he would allow me to be the face of Jesus to others. Help me to not get in the way and be an unobstructed conduit of his goodness, his presence.

 I often say words such as: have your way with me, flow through me, pour out your life into others.

Give us this day our daily bread 
Jesus told us he was the bread of life. He also said he needed to leave in order to send his spirit to us. I think of these words as I pray this part. I used to think of the physical food as being provided by him and this is also true, but my focus has been the bread that feeds my soul and the souls of others. I often say words such as: help me to listen for the voice of your spirit, and help me to obey that voice when I hear it.

Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us 
Up until this point the prayer is easy to me. It helps me focus all that I long for on him and resonates as true. The rest of the prayer feels like hard work to me. I am not there yet. I don't forgive others and I don't want the consequences of not forgiving. I have flipped the actual words to acknowledge my inability to do as he asks. I need him to be able to offer any kind of grace to others who have hurt me or wronged me. I often murder them in my thoughts (and sometimes my words) with my anger. I am SO desperately in need of grace and forgiveness and redemption. What a miracle that he invites me to participate in the ministry of reconciliation, when I still, daily need to be reconciled myself. These are the words I say: help me forgive, I don't forgive well…and certainly nothing like you forgive.

And lead us not into temptation 
But deliver us from the evil one 
I am still wondering about this part. I wonder about the things that tempt me away from the place of being in right relationship (righteousness) to him. I wonder how my choices affect that kingdom flow through me and the experience of his presence. I don't think I deeply understand or believe how all this works, that my choices have that great an impact. I pray this as an acknowledgement of my need yet again: help me to refrain from believing the lies, indulging my self and ignoring the suffering of others believing it's not my problem.

For yours is the kingdom
And the power
And the glory forever 
It truly is all about you, help me to be about your kingdom today. Thank you for letting me be a part.

According to Matthew 23, greed and self-indulgence are the opposite of justice and mercy and faithfulness...what does that mean in my story? How do I, like the woman at the well, fill my emptiness, my thirst, with things other than you?

How might denying myself, instead of indulging, help me to move towards true justice and mercy and faithfulness?

What might my eyes see that they are currently blinded to by my self-indulgence?

How might your Spirit within me be freed to pour out love and life towards others?

What choices can I make today to experience this truth? 

"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing will come from the Lord,…." Acts 3:19

Turn to God. How do I do that? 

Is it a 90 degree movement of my head and heart from the path I see ahead,  that I am choosing to walk, to turn to him at either my right (probably) or left side and look full at him, not at what is in front of me, not at what I think I need to DO or choose or consume my time/energy with, to turn to him?

Is it really that simple? Are you really RIGHT THERE beside me? 

All I need do is turn, forsake my own knowledge/understanding and lean on you? Lean into you? Just LOOK at you? Refocus my gaze on you and what you are about than on MY (path/choices/agenda/wisdom/knowledge/schedule/to do list/understanding)???

Really, that's ALL? 

That is everything you require of me?

If you truly are everything to me, what else should I be looking at/focusing on/choosing? If you truly ALL that matters, why not look only, always, ever at you?

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus/ look full in his wonderful face/ and the things of earth will grow strangely dim/ in the light of his glory and grace."

The words of the song reflect something of this truth.

We often hear the saying, "God is good." 

While I don't deny the truth of that, a phrase that comforts me more is, "God is God." 

I think that my notion of what is "good for me" gets tangled in the truth. 

For some reason saying, "God is God" reminds me of his holiness, 

his "other"ness. 

He is not like us, he is love… 

and not our understanding of what love is or what we think would be loving. 

This calls me to something MORE…the question of "who is this God?"

Yes, I think he is good and loving, but perhaps my understanding of those words are inaccurate…it is worth considering WHO he is.

Play and Discovery

It is now December...I just reread the post I wrote in July and was thinking how grateful I am for the small ways in which he invites me to search for him...that I have opportunities to see him in the world all around me….

Here is another unpublished draft dated Dec. 4th, 2013. Already I see the change in perspective from practicing thanking God for things each day.

I've taken up the challenge of thanking God each day for His small gifts to me...I want to form the spiritual discipline of being attentive…

This post was created as a draft on July 13, 2012 but never published…found it today and was amazed that I have been working at this practice of gratefulness for over two years…and my life has changed…I have changed, for that I am truly grateful!

Well, if I wait a few more days it will be a whole year since I wrote anything on this blog...strange to look back over the year and take stock of what has happened...where I am in the journey...new boss, new co-workers, new way of doing my job and being with people in it...Trent is in Chicago for the summer as an intern at a major corporation in his field and has had a phone interview with the major player in computers and electronic devices...we are at a major transition point in his story...he will enter his senior year at Purdue this fall...and shortly become engaged and then inevitably he will be married...it is a change that I feel so many complex emotions about...grateful for the opportunities and the wonderful woman he has chosen...sad to have him gone from my life and uncertain about what the next stage will be like for him and for myself and David...will we experience loss of being connected to him and his story...what will that loss look and feel like? Zoe is working at the gallery here in Winona Lake...and is spending one day a week with her Joe either here or in his hometown 1 and 1/2 hours away...she will go to her second year at college this fall...studying studio art...my Joe...our Joe is entering his Junior year...only a short step from his senior year, graduation and leaving for college himself...we are on the brink of the empty nest...emptiness was the topic on Sunday at church the image I received was of vessels being made of clay and situated in sand...we were made to be empty...to receive...and perhaps to be filled before pouring out to fulfill out intended purpose...somehow Adam and Eve punctured the design...some might say "ruined" the usefulness of the containers...I wondered if God uses those flaws to pour THROUGH us somehow...so that we are constantly leaking the Spirit of God...and yet never feeling full...never experiencing fullness...what if faith is believing that he is at work through us even though we do not experience him? We might never feel the fullness that he might have initially intended due to the sin-hole that drains away the felt presence of God...yet we know he is in us...he constantly pours out himself for the good of all...what if we try to plug that hole with all the wrong things and for all the wrong reasons? What if we simply accept that we are broken...allow the experience of our emptiness to draw us to the truth? That his Spirit is at work in us and in the world...that our God is bigger than our experience of him...what might it mean to embrace the brokenness and trust the outpouring of the Spirit and not interfere by trying to plug up the hole so we wouldn't experience the emptiness? What might it be like to enter into the process with him? Might we see the leaky hole differently? Could it be possible to stop avoiding emptiness and call it good? Might we tune in to the flow of the Spirit through us and sense his presence somehow? Might there be a way to embrace the process without knowing the outcomes? We know the ultimate outcome...but it takes faith to trust in him when we do not experience any of it or of him in the moment.

It has been so long since I've attempted to put into words (at least here in this space) something of the journey into all the truth that there is...I have been reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts and her blog "A Holy Experience"...as well as trying to capture one thing a day that I am thankful for on my digital device with her handy App...the pace of life is slow here in this month of my life...time to reflect and enter into the moments He offers me each day...walking beside my daughter as she takes steps to leave our home...searching for points of contact with my remaining son...today is my mother's birthday and I want to call and spend a few moments focusing on her and her story...stopping like this each summer has become a familiar rhythm for me...always hectic and flustered during the school year...disappointment with how I handle people in the midst of life's demands...this break in the pattern allows me space to explore...and I am grateful for it.

Wondering about Butterflies Today...?

I was noticing butterflies yesterday... it seems to me that God made flowers to bloom with grace and beauty where they are planted. They are rooted in the earth and have a specific locality in which they are to exist and be what He created them to be. Birds have flight and soar above us on the winds. They cause us to lift our eyes from the earth and our spirits to lift... so what about butterflies? They are flowers in flight... they don't soar but whirl and spin and dip and dive.... they alight on plants that aren't food... do they explore the veins of the oak leaf and trace its varied pathways? What are their thoughts as they wander the space between earth and sky? They seem to be content to be moving about dancing together in such inefficient patterns of flight... Butterflies make me stop and wonder about how I am made and what might there be to enjoy in my time between the earth and the sky....

Of Wounds, Cleansing and Relief

Today a dear friend's daughter went down the hill behind our house on her bike and ended up scraping her knee and elbow raw on the concrete sidewalk. Her mother carried her up to my home in her arms reassuring her through her cries and tears that she would be all right. I noted later how my help wasn't really help at all. I got ice and some bandaids but all I could think to offer was pain relief. I offered to run to the pharmacy to pick up some Bactene spray to ease her suffering and wondered if we had any liquid tylenol that wouldn't be past its expiration date. Her mother asked if she could put her in the tub. Her wounds needed bathed. I realized later that what she really needed was just what her mother was offering... not relief from pain but more pain at least for a little bit in order to cleanse her wounds so that they would have an opportunity to heal properly... nothing I was offering was going to provide her with what she needed most. I wondered at this later... why my thoughts and concerns were all about easing her pain. I am grateful her mother was focused on her care, her true need and not to relieve her pain... at least not until the necessary work was done... what a picture to me of God's love. How often I want the immediate relief of suffering and have no thought for the work that the pain must do to prepare me for what I most need....

Remembering the Purple Iris

Yesterday as I walked toward work under a dark sky, I looked ahead at the way I needed to go... I saw a staircase and sighed with weariness as I contemplated what I needed to walk towards and through in my day. The lowering clouds seemed to underline the weight I carried... I happened to be walking with a friend, a very dear friend, who noticed some deep purple irises planted by the way we were walking... she said, "Oh, I need to smell those!" her exuberance drew me along in its wake... I too smelled the iris and said "It smells like purple" because I had heard her say this of the smell of iris before. She smile and noted the ruffly edge of each petal and murmured "God is SO extravagant!" I smiled and as we parted I carried the memory of that iris with me... still had to walk up those stairs into the darkness of my day, nothing of the circumstances of what I had to carry would change... but I did carry the smell of purple with me as I walked....

God Alone Knows....

Well, I'm reading through Job now and it seems to me that there are 4 guys talking a lot about things they know nothing about... they appear to be trying to understand God and explain how we "ought" to live to make things "work"... it's pretty clear that they don't know what they are talking about... no clue as to what is really going on... I wonder what God wanted us to know about Him when He gave us this piece of writing... it seems clear to me that suffering is inexplicable in Job's story and somehow God shows us a man who continues to trust Him despite his personal suffering... and how that suffering is increased by his friends... wow... how do I do that? Where am I clueless as I talk to those in pain? What would be a better way to respond to their hurt?

Something like "I don't know why this is happening to you. I am so sorry." Perhaps that is it? I believe that God is good despite the circumstances, but is that helpful to hear when you are hurting?

Please lead me with Your Spirit and I walk through this day and come in contact with hurting people....

Whole Hearted

^{2 Chronicles 12:12} Because Rehoboam humbled himself, the LORD’s anger turned from him, and he was not totally destroyed. Indeed, there was some good in Judah... ¹⁴ He did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the LORD.

I want to be about more than "some good"... what would it look like to "set my heart on seeking the LORD"?

Sunday morning we sang these words:

"He became sin

Who knew no sin

That we might become His Righteousness"

Words from the song "Jesus Messiah" by Chris Tomlin based, I suppose, on the passage in 2 Cor. 5:21:"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

I wonder how I might be the righteousness of God today?

A little before this in the same passage it says:

"For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. ¹⁵ And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." (emphasis mine)

What does it mean that "all died"... something to consider that those who have died are no longer under the law.... how might I live today freed from the law of sin and death?

Romans 7:1 "...the law has authority over someone only as long as that person lives... 4 So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God. ⁵ For when we were in the realm of the flesh, the sinful passions aroused by the law were at work in us, so that we bore fruit for death. ⁶But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code." (emphasis mine)

Also this morning, another line from a Chris Tomlin song, "Here I am to Worship":

"I'll never know how much it cost to see my sins upon that cross--" (emphasis mine)

I frequently substitute the word "sin" with the word "Friend"... as if the two words are engraved on the opposing sides of a flat oval disk which spins and flips over and over until they are a blur... no longer one or the other but one and the same thing, a new thing, a three dimensional shape that exists in and of itself... a mystery.

... we who serve God by the Spirit.... Phil. 3:3

Is that me... really?

Phil 3:8-11

"8 I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,...that I may gain Christ ⁹ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." (emphasis mine)

What does it mean that I "belong to another" and "serve in the new way of the Spirit" as I walk into my world today?

The Kingdom of Heaven

Matthew 13: ³⁷ He answered, “The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man. ³⁸ The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the people of the kingdom. The weeds are the people of the evil one, ³⁹ and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels."

I was looking for the kingdom of heaven this morning... I found this particular passage in my search. This is a good reminder to me today that I need not worry about the weeds... He has already taken care of that... He has appointed harvesters who have the job of sorting things out in His time... that isn't my job.
Allow me to rest in this today.

Process

I created this coil while I was listening to my friend Dawn talk during her workshop entitled: "Vocabularies of Sight and Touch, Sound and Movement, Texture and Taste: Embodying Our Words in Writing, Art, and Life".






The thing that fascinates me is that I was not "thinking" about what I was doing as I was shaping this form... at least not very much... I had initially selected a different colored (green) rectangular prism of modeling clay and suddenly remembered some beads I saw in my friend Merna's shop earlier that week when I was there with my daughter Zoe. The beads were green lady bugs... and I thought about making a lady bug (lady bugs hold a deep personal significance for me)... but I didn't want it to be green... so I returned the green bar and picked up a "red" one... because I thought I was going to make a lady bug.... As Dawn talked, I began squeezing the bar into a lump... I continued to squeeze it until I decided to punch a hole in the center and make a circle... I was trying to open the circle as far as I could without breaking the circuit I continued squeezing throughout the entire process... I didn't roll a "snake" as I would usually approach using clay like this.... The entire time my conscious mind was focused on my friend's thoughts... this was a new experience for me... to make unconsciously....






I'll insert this thought here... though I am not sure I was thinking it at the time, but prior to leaving I was talking with my daughter about going into this weekend with an open mind... there was something about openness/vulnerability that was a conscious/unconscious part of this weekend for me. I was surrounded by strangers and in an unfamiliar context and there was an ongoing sense of "listening to the Spirit's leading" as I journeyed into the weekend... I was also unsure how "open" I should/could be... but more about that in a moment....






It was important to me somehow to make the circuit as large, as open as I could... at some point the circuit kept breaking and I kept mending it and trying to make it larger and more open... I finally decided that it couldn't open any farther and began to compress the coil back onto itself... this made some interesting curves to the circuit... I kept compressing until the entire circuit could fit onto my hand... I closed the opening in the circuit by continuing to compress the coil until it was a flat shape with all the curves touching all of the other curves... no opening to speak of at the center... only the small spaces between the curved coils... as I looked at that flat shape it sort of resembled intestines to me...






I don't know at what point I recalled the ancients believed that our souls resided in our bowels... and at some point in history we began referring our "hearts", not sure what caused it to move... but the culture at large values our "brains"... all these thoughts have been rolling around inside me, but I don't know the exact chronology or sequence that they came... often we speak about moving from what we know in our heads into what we know in our hearts... somehow this circuit began to connect this disparate housing of our souls... there is a connection between brain and bowel... the life that flows through us is a continual circuit between these and encircles our hearts as well... if you think of blood flowing through this circuit... providing life energy to the entire being... there is truth embodied in this piece....






After looking at the flat shape, I decided to fold it over and enclose it into a sphere... I don't know exactly why, but later I recalled the rest of the conversation with my daughter... she had said to me (after I explained that I wanted to enter the weekend with an open mind) something to the effect of "Yes, momma, have an open mind, but not so open that your brain falls out."






I looked at this shape and then someone in the group called it a brain... it was then I thought of my daughter's words to me... I wondered many times about the twofold meaning (or perhaps more) of that sentence... I found myself entering a space physically that I never imagined I would go (my friend's talk was held in the LGBT center of the MSU campus - I didn't know what those letters stood for until I saw the sign above the door with the words spelled out Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender)... many of the folks I met that weekend identified themselves as Queer... what an interesting word....






I remember discussing boundaries with one of the participants... when reflecting on my daughter's comment it seemed that openness does have a boundary... but where to set that boundary? My friend Dawn said, "Just don't set the boundary too soon." That seems important somehow....






What is trusting in the Spirit's leading? Isn't it "not setting the boundary too soon"? Will I be able to walk openly, trusting that the Spirit will carry me? Can I remain open/vulnerable and allow the Spirit to set the boundaries for me? What does that look like for me today?

A Good Reminder to Me Today

Humble yourselves... endure suffering... receive grace

1 Peter 5: 9b: "...because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

We are not alone in this life... even if we don't know all those who are fellow sufferers... and it really is only for a little while... even if our perceptions of time while in the midst of our suffering seems interminable....

A Poem in Response to Embodying Our Words

I am here today

replete with all my fears

and limitations

a tangled mess of

longings

desire

knowledge and ignorance

I belong here_ today_

in this space

I am sure that I am the

beloved

I am unsure how to BE

the beloved

Here_ now_ in THIS

time/space

where I BE-long

I BE-long wherever

I am

fearful

uncertain

or sure

it does not matter

for though I am matter

I am also spirit

timeless...

boundless...

yet temporarily

confined

to this time

to this space

these physical limitations

are gift

Magic and Faithlessness and God's Pain

This morning as I was reading in 2 Kings and noticed that many of the kings were identified along with the names of their mothers... I found that interesting since women are rarely mentioned in the Bible... and it seems through this period of history there was an Ashera pole that was erected in Samaria (which seems to be the seat of power for the northern kingdom of Israel). I wonder if the influence of that practice affected the records of the kings' names in relationship to their mothers since Asherah was a goddess that was worshipped there at that time...?

I also noticed that after Elisha's death, there is a story of some people burying a man in haste because of the raiders in the land. They threw the body of the man in Elisha's tomb and when his body touched the bones of Elisha he "came to life and stood up on his feet"... I don't know what to make of this... Elisha was a powerful man of God and even after his death his bones could work miracles???

Throughout the reading today (2 Kings 13-15) and the passages prior, I noticed that none of the kings ever fully repented and turned back to God and destroyed the Ashera pole(s) and the golden calves where the people were worshipping... and it seems that the northern and southern kingdoms are fighting each other... and they are getting whittled away by foreign kings and kingdoms.... But God still honors His promises and doesn't fully wipe out the line of David... He also seems to take note of their suffering and provides them with relief (at least some relief) despite their faithlessness to Him....

How painful to see Him continue to be gracious to these people, I can't imagine the pain it caused/causes Him as people continue to choose other gods instead of Him... how do I do that? How do I choose myself/my comfort over Him? I long to offer Him my whole heart... not just what is easy to give....