Forgiveness

How blind I am to my own need for forgiveness... my inability to do anything but ask God for His intervention in my need... I recognize that I need to "forgive others as God has forgiven you" and fear that I have NOT and I do NOT... I long for that to change in me... one time that happened... I discovered compassion for someone I was struggling to forgive (I say that rather than "holding a grudge" because it was an unwilling thing that I did not want to NOT forgive, but didn't know how to "let it go" so to speak...) recently I found my heart overwhelmed with someone's story... they had hurt me deeply about a year ago and I knew I needed to forgive them (whether they ever were aware of their wrong or not... and boy did I want them to KNOW... and PAY for their wrong towards me...) but knew that wasn't what God wanted... so every time I ran into this person or prayed the Lord's prayer I asked God for help... forgive me as I forgive others has always been too hard for me to pray... so I changed it... really I did... it is hard for me to just mouth words (or listen to music that doesn't resonate as true for me in the moment... feels like a lie... so I can't or won't pretend... for what it's worth... it's how I choose to cope with this in me... could be arrogance or integrity... I'm not sure...) the words I usually pray is Lord forgive me and help me to forgive others like you forgive... cause truthfully I can't... I cannot even be aware of my need for forgiveness... (which is supposed to help me forgive others) I know in my head there is an arrogance about that, but am helpless to change it... but I can tell the truth about it... and ask Him for help with it... so imagine my surprise when I discovered the compassion in my heart for my "enemy"... wow, what happened? All I know for sure is that there was a complete change (after over a year of praying like this) and all I can do is attribute it to Him... His timing and His purposes... all I offered was my need... really that's all I have... all I can do about it... tell the truth and wait on Him to show up/move and change me... it happens!

My Story of Now

Right now I'm struggling with escapism... in so many different ways I am trying to get out of or avoid the NOW.... David's dad died at the end of April, my son leaves for college next Sun... I have not been living well between these two realities... there are so many distractions to choose from (even legitimate pursuits)... I don't even know how to change this or move out of it... except to tell the truth and ask God for help... I desperately need His help.